All posts filed under: All about me

All the Things I Thought but Didn’t Say

In social anxiety Words remain thoughts More often than not. Sometimes they are exactly the right words; A well-timed anecdote  A witty retort An intelligent response  All stranded in a chasm of fear Unable to make themselves heard. Often As irony dictates My mind is actually racing Bursting with myriad thoughts Yet none of them fit  With what you just said. Did I use the right fork? Was it weird to look over there? Do I look bored?  Don’t look bored! What the fuck did I miss while I was lost inside my own head? Just laugh… just laugh! You may mistake The misplaced laughter Or unanswered question  As rudeness;  Others have! But don’t be fooled: If I am struggling to keep up with a conversation  Or fit in somewhere It is most likely because I want to impress. I’ve thought You look beautiful  And What a lovely dress; I know exactly what you mean Or sometimes just hear this… At times Even thank you Gets entirely stuck. Thank you for not hating me Mostly I …

30th birthday cake with sparklers

30 Before 30 – The Final Edit

I feel as though I should mark the impending 30th anniversary of my birth in spectacular style, though as yet have failed to find a suitably brilliant idea, so this list will have to do for now.  To kick off my 30th year having achieved (strong word for some of these activities) these things would be nice, if not life-changing.  I am generally pretty rubbish at ticking off stuff I want to do, but I’m determined to give this little lot my best shot.  Really, none of them should be terribly difficult; they’re basically what I wish it was acceptable for my New Year’s resolutions to be every year… Read 30 books recommended by other people Watch a West End show Have afternoon tea somewhere pretty Watch 30 movies from the 80’s Read all the Harry Potter books with Jasmine Go camping with the kids See at least one more stand up show Make cocktails at home Visit Stonehenge Have lunch in a really lovely old pub See a play at the Globe Theatre Complete five …

Birthday Wishlist

I am a big kid when it comes to birthdays and like to make a fuss of my own, and everyone else’s. This year, there are several things I would like – some for practical reasons and some because I just really want them.  Pyjamas from M&S – a bit of a boring one to start off with, but there is something about new pyjamas that makes me genuinely happy!  Laptop – I’ve got on quite well with a tablet and an iPhone for a while now but, having started a course at college and a degree with the Open University, a laptop is fast becoming an essential piece of kit that is missing from my new student life. Bag – starting college has made me want a new bag and I absolutely love this one from Radley. I’m a big fan of the colour – it always puts me in mind of autumn, which is my favourite season, largely due to the crisp weather and gorgeous colours. John Bishop tickets – any excuse to see the gorgeous Mr. Bishop! …

All Of Me

I must have spent about 25 years being friends with people who do not like me. It sounds crazy. And I have always wondered. When, inevitably, the relationship evaporated. Where I went wrong. I know now that I made bad choices. Looked in the wrong places. Was so grateful that someone wanted to be friends with me. That I went out of my way to make it work. Bending, breaking. Trying to be someone I never was. I didn’t fill the exact space that was there. And so I shaved off aspects of my personality. A passion here. A dislike there. Whittled them away until the pieces fit. Yay, friendship! Except, for me, there was always something missing. Bits of myself on the cutting room floor. Neglected and ignored. And I thought that was how it had to be. That I couldn’t possibly expect to find friends who would accept me. Or, better still, who had similar interests. Things in common. People with whom conversation became a well that never ran dry. I thought that …

I Wanna Be Like You

I’ve heard people talk about social anxiety and assume it just means shyness. Maybe not in so many words. But I’ve heard the symptoms of anxiety explained away as “Just a bit shy,” I’ve never been bold enough to put them right. To hold up the conversation with my inarticulate reasoning. To admit that they’re describing me and yet they’re getting it all wrong. “Just a bit shy,” doesn’t cut it. You can’t compare shyness with anxiety, you can’t use one to try and explain away the other. Worse are the people who think you’re rude. Not anxious, not fighting just to keep your racing heart from exploding out of your chest. But rude. “She doesn’t talk to me,” It may be true but it is not because I do not want to. Articulacy is the holy grail. Unattainable, but all I’ve ever wanted. I love to talk!  It’s almost laughable when someone says I am quiet. I am not quiet. It may take too much time and too much effort for most to ever …